p

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 04:28:13 GMT

the blood god is here

well doesnt this just shit in your cheerios

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 07:51:08 GMT

lookie what i just found

insomnia

Mon, 31 Dec 2001 07:47:41 GMT

its too cold to walk.
my books are in my car along with all my pens
everyone's asleep, so no guitar
so i guess im not doing much right now exept listening to music, wishing i was someone else. too many lies... parents dont know me, friends dont know me... i dont know myself... and the biggest lie of all, i dont really care. i dont care that people are afraid of me, that they look the other way, what i say goes undisputed because im the kid they think is gonna shoot them all in the back of the head one day when i finally crack. fuck them... what do they know.
im the bad influence, the quite kid in the back of class, always reading some book, always laughing under my breath when someone says something stupid... im the one the teachers fear, so i change... i talk... i pretend to have friends in school, and so far ive made one... kinda... only not at school
what i say makes no sense, and when someone points it out, the whole room gets quite and waits for the explosions to start. I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON. i dont care if your a jock, red neck, gay, strait, man woman, white, black, quite, loud, i really dont give a shit. so what the hell is wrong with you... why cant you see me for all that i really am...
so what, i like to get drunk, it doesnt mean a troubled childhood, it means that i like the feeling of truely not giving a shit. so what if im on medicine to control my mood swings, would you rather me not be???
can someone please tell me why??? why are you afraid?
why cant anyone get close? am i harmless or am i dangerous???
why do you care, it all ends one day anyway... why not today huh?
do you think your gonna live forever?
do you really think some benevolent being is just gonna say, "its ok, i know you didnt mean to do it... just eat the lotus... it'll be better"
is that what you believe... do you think that sex, drugs, religion, anything to escape the problems will fix them?
the problems dont go away until chaos reigns
order causes wars, death... all of it... without order there would be no chaos, and thus nothing, the lack of everything, which negates nothing... a new consciousness, a new world... no peace, no war, no love, no hate... we could all truely say we dont care... so why not? why be afraid. without pain there is no change, and without change there is no reality... only stasis... only order... only working for nine hours a day for little green slips of paper called power, while your boss gets twice as many as you... even though both of you know it doesnt matter.. the world isnt about survival of the fittest... or even about survival... its about something else... something there is no word for... something that appearantly only me and two other people i know feel... so you can argue amongst yourselves all you want... im still too busy trying not to care

talking

Sat, 08 Dec 2001 19:29:18 GMT

i went to pick up my mail at my dads house today. no arguing. no yelling. just quite. its weird, almost like he didnt want to talk to me, like he hadnt planned out what he was going to say to me. he doesnt seem to think me and elyse are going over there for christmas this year, which kinda makes me happy, because i really dont want to. he fucked up for the last time. i dont want him in my life anymore, its just too much for me to handle right now.
things still need to change, the guy i like spent the night at my house last night, so we all got drunk and passed out watching movies. well... i guess thats how it works. i hate school, the only people i talk to there are different, its like theyre all two faced, cuz when they get around their school friends they just get shallow. they tell you what their group wants to hear rather than what they say they really mean, which is getting really confusing, because i rarely get to talk to anyone alone, exept for brent and elyse, so i see the shallow side of them more often than not, which is making me believe that the real them is the shallow one, and thats pretty depressing to 'know' that the people you call your friends have no mind of their own, and just when your about to give up on them, they say something so profound and right and honest that it proves you wrong and frustrates the hell out of you. i need to hang around with julie more often. she's like me, she doesnt see the point in lying about who you are, so people think she's a little stupid, because she likes to have fun and doesnt care what anyone thinks about her because of it.
im waiting for the bathroom to become unoccupied so; i can go take a shower, and shave myself.
school sucks, which ive probably said a thousand times now. but its too institutionalized. flourescent lights fuck with my head. people seem a bit more fake around them...

talking

Sat, 08 Dec 2001 19:29:08 GMT

i have a few miniutes

Thu, 06 Dec 2001 12:22:58 GMT

i have a few miniutes before i have to leave for school... and im bored. god i hate most of the people there. no one understands me there. so i have to go and answer questions they have about how some teachers sex life is going, when i really dont care to know anyway. i have to go listen to some stupid preppy kid ask me if im really gay, then tell me that im going to hell when i die and i should repent, cause i cant be a real christian... i dont want to be a christian. they hate too much... i have met very few nice ones...

well... since i dont have much time left im gonna go now...

time

Thu, 06 Dec 2001 05:48:45 GMT

First off, I hate AOL.
my life has completely stopped. completely.
its even starting to feel like its late to me. i remember at one time i could stay up all night and go to school the next day... right now its only half past mid night. that would seem so pathetic to me a year ago, hell... even a few months ago, but now i dont really give a shit... about anything. and thats my problem. ive worked so hard not to care about anything, all my life that when its time to actually start it, i dont care enough to do it.
i still have my friends but there seems to be a distance growing between us. i think i know why too... fear.
im afraid of leaving, so i keep telling myself that ill never do it, but i cant hide from it anymore. im gonna have to. im not gonna die here... i might not even come back. i need to go somewhere with a nightlife, with more people like me... so far ive found three people i can really relate to. ones my sister, and the other two are dating, so i feel like a third wheel all the time now.
these are the only people ive found who i can relate to sexualy, mentaly, socialy... all of this. so i have to get out of here. i dont want to be here when the world fall down around me(lets not be dramatic jamie), and its already starting to. friends become less predictable, people seem to be a bit more paranoid of me now, but i think thats because i finally decided to be honest with myself no matter what anyone else thinks about me. so alot of people think im a perverted faggot now. (so what if i am)
people i thought i could trust turn on me, spreading lies, assuming that they might be true, just so he can have his fun with his brand new friends, who wont be around a year from now, making a common enemy for them to hate. this is me annoyed... this is me scared... this is me backed into a corner... this is how i am on the inside... if you dont like it than get out... if you do, then tell me. i need all the friends i can('t) get.

garth... were in madonna's bed room

Tue, 25 Sep 2001 21:40:33 GMT

I got access to a computer again...

stuff

Mon, 16 Jul 2001 04:36:18 GMT

hey...
again i guess.
Woke up today, and my sisters best friend was at the house... so i wound up fucking around with her...

kinda weird so i guess were going out now.
blah blah... checking shit now... bye

work

Sat, 14 Jul 2001 05:39:41 GMT

Davids an ass hole

introductions

Sat, 14 Jul 2001 05:39:10 GMT

my name is jamie, im bisexual with a preference to men, i live in kingsport.
Im a single half virgin who works at Arby's in allendale.
I have about four or five people who i count as friends, and the rest are people that i call associates... i talk behind the backs of alot of the latter... especially this guy named Jason Newland. Yessir-ee, that crazy cracker sure is fun to talk about behind his back.
Anyway, my name is Jamie. I'm a boring asshole.
Read someone elses thoughts now. Or the next entry...